Margot's Birth Story

It’s been nearly three months since Margot was born! Over two whole months since this little nugget came into our lives. Here’s her birth story.

We’re eating up this little human that joined our family and simply can’t get over her. We feel so lucky! Thank you all for your kind words and exclamations of how cute she is. We agree and can’t stop staring at her!

Our story is unique to us and I just want to preface that what we experienced has no reflection on my thoughts of other births. Even though I was disappointed in how my birth went, it doesn’t mean I have judgment for anyone else that had a similar but delightful birth. Nor do I want to take for granted that we ended up with a healthy mom and baby at the end of our journey. We’re so so grateful.

Backstory

I had a pretty typical pregnancy with morning sickness, swollen feet, and cravings for chocolate ice cream (and lots of it). But we also had a few complications. One was a very distressing scare that shook us really hard. While that scare was luckily, just a scare, we were on edge for the rest of the pregnancy. In addition to this concern, there was a tumor on my placenta, and my OB also worried about pre-eclampsia risk. I saw a specialist every other week to monitor the growth on the placenta. The fear was that if it grew too large, it could draw necessary blood away from baby Margot. For these reasons, my OB wanted to have me induced at 39 weeks to reduce the risk of pre-eclampsia or blood loss to baby’s brain.

For the past decade, I thought that I’d have a home birth, but I changed my mind about a year ago. I decided I wanted a hospital birth and was proud of this change in perspective (my favorite birth and parenting podcast helped - this and this episode in particular). We’re also lucky to have one of the best maternal hospitals 20 minutes from our house (it also happens to be where I was born!). While I had confidence in the hospital birth, I really didn’t want to be induced and wanted minimal interventions. Yet, I trusted my OB and feared the worst if I delayed delivering, so we put the induction on the calendar and counted down until the day. A perk was that my type-A personality liked being able to mark baby Margot’s birthday on my calendar in advance! Even though we had a planned induction, I still tried all the tricks to induce labor earlier. I went to many acupuncture appointments, drank special teas, took supplements, and did all the popular methods.

Wednesday - Induction Day

While I tried to go into labor spontaneously, it didn’t happen, so we proceeded with induction. I asked my OB if there was any way I could do the induction but still labor for a while at home. I wanted to reduce the time in the hospital as much as necessary - so I could eat, so I could be in my own bed/shower, and so I could avoid just a few more hours of being hooked up to machines. The hospital wouldn’t let me go home during labor once given medication, but a foley bulb is a non-medicinal induction process so we decided it would be a good solution.

9:30 am - We went to the hospital for the foley bulb insertion. I was 1.5cm dilated so it was exciting to be progressing on my own! Maybe that was thanks to all the acupuncture? The foley bulb procedure was absolutely brutal. But nobody said labor was painless.

3:30 pm - I labored in bed at home with contractions lasting a minute every five minutes until 3:30 pm, when the contractions simply stopped. I instantly felt pack to my normal self so I tied up loose ends around the house. We installed new pegs on the kitchen plate rack. We unpacked and rolled out the new nursery rug. Did a load of dishes. Folded laundry. Took out the trash. And ate a bean and cheese burrito for dinner.

On the Way To The Hospital!

8:30 pm - We went to the hospital with high hopes that the foley bulb was successful even though contractions had stopped. The nurses started the medical induction - IV, external monitors on baby, and a dose of Cytotec (to thin out my cervix). I went for a few laps around the halls with the rolling IV for an hour or so to pass the time and encourage labor. It was a surreal experience knowing that the biggest day of our lives was upon us, but it didn’t really feel like anything was happening.

Thursday - Labor Day

12:25 am - A nurse-midwife removed the Foley bulb and did a cervical check. I was at 4.5cm, which was great progress for little effort/pain! I got some rest until we were woken up at 2:30 with the suggestion to start Pitocin. This drug is a synthetic version of the natural hormone to encourage labor but it has a bad rap for making contractions really painful, which causes folks to get an epidural, which then slows down labor, which means Pitocin is increased, and the cycle repeats. I wanted to avoid Pitocin, if possible, so we called our doula and talked it over. She reminded me that I have a choice and can decline anything, but also I signed up for an induction and this is it. We were here to have a baby, not sit around with a semi-dilated cervix! So, we started on the lowest dosage and slept until morning.

6:00 am - I got another cervical check but was still at 4.5cm, so we increased the Pitocin to get things moving. Ross and I kept ourselves occupied with an episode of What We Do In The Shadows but we were pretty distracted with the excitement and nerves of the day. In addition to overloading the iPad with roughly 170 hours of my favorite TV shows, we also over-packed the hospital bag with snacks for the two of us. I wasn’t allowed to eat real food, so I gulped down many packets of pureed fruit that we bought in bulk. It’s now two months later and we’re still eating the snacks we overpacked for the hospital.

9:00 am - My OB came to ask if I wanted my water broken. I said, “I don’t think so?” because it felt too early. When she stepped away, my nurse said, “Don’t have your water broken now. It’s too soon. I trust and love your OB, but I don’t agree with her on this.” I was so surprised by her candor yet truly welcomed it. I didn’t want my water broken this early, so it was confusing to have it offered. With confidence, I told my OB, “no, please don’t break my water.” She said, “Okay, no problem!” then when she did the cervical check (5cm), she inadvertently broke my water. Not the plan but it just happened. My OB felt badly and reassured me it wasn’t her intention. Once my water broke the contractions really intensified immediately. The once-tolerable contractions became 100x worse and super sharp. They were clustered together back to back so I was getting only a second or two of relief between them. It was excruciating. I was bummed to have my water break at this stage and I also was disappointed to know an epidural was imminent (the pain!) even though I hoped to delay getting one until later. I wanted to have a range of motion to encourage labor progression, and an epidural significantly limits this.

10:00 am - The hour of painful contractions with no relief in between had me wanting (and trying) to crawl out of my own body, so I called for an epidural. Holy smokes, what a magical medical invention! Ross reported that within a few minutes, I was relaxed and almost in a trance. I can’t imagine what labor with nonstop contractions could have been like - I’m so grateful for that epidural!

2:30 pm - I got another cervical check and was at 8cm so the nurses started prepping a cart full of delivery tools. So exciting! I called my mom and told her to start getting ready to come to the hospital. Due to COVID, we were limited in guests so I could only have two support people plus our doula. My mom was my second support person (Ross is my number one - in all the ways), but I had my mom stay home until labor got more active. We also had our doula hang out in the lobby when nothing was happening so Ross and I could have some quiet time together. It was nice to just be the two of us and an iPad full of good TV shows. Being in the hospital during a pandemic certainly wasn’t ideal. But we didn’t mind the restrictions that prevented a revolving door of visitors. The time was just ours.

3:45 pm - I was checked again and we rejoiced at being 10cm! I was elated. A part of me doubted if my body would be able to successfully labor, so I was mystified that it happened, and at a relatively good pace. My mom delivered me via c-section when I failed to make my way out of her pelvis, so I always had a sneaking suspicion that this could happen to me. Reaching full dilation was one step closer to feeling like I could do this. While fully dilated, nurses wanted to wait for the baby’s head to drop lower, so I napped and we watched TV. Ross was an excellent labor support person in all the ways from emotional to physical support, but he also excelled at having any and all TV and fruit puree pouches available the second I asked. Delivering in the age of COVID was bizarre, but I’m so grateful he could be there - I know some people delivered without their partners last year and I truly can’t imagine that.

6:00 pm - Time to start pushing! It was so strange to go from watching TV with mild contractions to being told to push a human being out of my body. The room got much more active with Ross, my mom, our doula, and our nurse all getting excited and supportive. I kept visualizing a couple of pushes and a baby would just magically pop out. My birth plan all along was “labor for a few minutes then have a baby just slide right out.” I wasn’t serious, but I held onto this silly idea to trick myself into thinking a swift labor was possible.

7:30 pm - I was grateful for the surprising range of motion I had despite the epidural. I was limited to the bed but could use the added pull bar, turn to my sides, and get on my knees. We worried I wouldn’t have the option to move with an epidural, so the independence really motivated me.

9:30 pm - I spent three hours pushing. It was exhausting, but not terrible (thanks, epidural!). It was a relatively calm experience - my doula commented I was the quietest laborer she had. Ross had turned on my playlists and with each new song, I’d think, “Is my baby going to be born to this song?!” It was exciting to visualize her impending arrival with each new track.

After pushing for three hours, two OBs came in to evaluate and see why a baby hadn’t slid out of my body yet. They both agreed that “the anatomy wasn’t right for a vaginal birth” and if I continued pushing, it would put the baby at risk. They said there are no other options - I need to have a c-section. It was an incredibly frustrating and disappointing result after feeling like I made great progress throughout the day. I still had energy to keep going, but not at the risk of the baby. I was disappointed in myself because I previously felt so confident that to avoid a c-section, I should steer clear of interventions like induction, Pitocin, water breaking, and an epidural. Yet I had every one of them. Should I have canceled the induction? Should I have declined a cervical check that broke my water prematurely? Could I have labored without an epidural to move the baby into another position? Why didn’t we evaluate the baby’s position and try to move her? Would that have even done anything? Was there anything I could have done differently? Was I destined for this outcome because it’s the same one my mom had when delivering me? Even writing this now, I feel, “duh, you did all the textbook things that result in a c-section, why are you so disappointed?” But, it felt right at the time, and plus many other pregnant people follow that same path and still deliver vaginally.

I know that c-sections are common and safe, but it was a procedure I wanted to avoid, so I had to mourn this shift in my labor plan. Yet, I was also so very grateful for this option as it truly is a life-saving surgery that’s to thank for so many healthy moms and babies. I don’t want to discredit how incredible this medical procedure is.

A dear friend told me a beautiful metaphor that I held onto during pregnancy and labor, and still do months later:

Giving birth is like swiming in the ocean. Some women go for a swim and the ocean is lovely. It’s calm, sunny, and they’re led by a parade of dolphins to the other side of the bay where they then take a nice nap in the warm sand. Other women get into the ocean and it seems like everything is fine, but then there’s a storm, or a shark, or something completely out of their control.

When you go swimming, there’s a rowboat right next to you, and in that rowboat is your partner, doula, and support people. If everything goes okay, they get to row next to you and enjoy the ride. But if it gets unsafe, your support people will reach into the water and pull you out. And they’ll say, “It’s too dangerous. I’m not going to let you drown.”

Are you tearing up or is it just me?

I internalized the idea that if I did all the “right” things before and during labor, I’d be able to control the experience and get the birth I wanted. But there was a storm rolling in over the ocean, which I couldn’t control, and I needed to be pulled out. And I was sure grateful for the loving support team I had in that rowboat.

10:00 pm - Once we accepted the new, safe birth plan, the room shifted from a labor room to a waiting room. The nurse put away the supplies for a vaginal birth, focused on keeping me comfortable, and suited Ross up in OR scrubs. We expected to get into the operating room around 11 pm so we were giddy with anticipation and excitement to know our baby’s birthdate.

Friday - Birth Day!

12 am - Well, 11 pm came and went with no baby. Her birthdate was no longer the one we thought, but definitely this new day! I was next in line for the operating room but then there were several emergency surgeries that delayed me going in. As we waited, the doctors worried about a lack of oxygen to the baby because of her positioning, so I was given oxygen. This had me starting to worry about becoming one of the emergency c-sections, but thankfully I didn’t. I then spiked a fever (a sign of infection) so I was put on antibiotics. It was worrisome, but I was in good hands.

3:15 am - We spent about four hours waiting to go into the OR which made for a strange rollercoaster of excitement, then waiting, then fear, then excitement, then nerves. Finally, they wheeled me into the OR. So many feelings!

3:30 am - I have very little memory of the rest of the birth because I slept through it all. Exhaustion paired with anesthesia had me super drowsy despite the thrill. Ross joined the operating room and sat by my side. I feel bad that he had to go through the surgery experience with me passed out - it would have been less scary for him if I were with it and chatty. I was awoken by the anesthesiologist patting my face saying, “Look! Look! Open your eyes!” I peered through my heavy lids at little Margot being hoisted to the clear plastic dividing me and my belly. I could hardly see more than the top of her head from my angle. I was trying so hard to stay awake and savor the moment, but I fell right back asleep. I’m really sad I didn’t get to experience more of her birth. I also missed seeing Ross cut the umbilical cord. He was so eager to participate in the birth with this quintessential dad activity, but I didn’t witness it. He later reported that even he could hardly see it through his tears of joy. They bundled little Margot up and Ross got to hold her while resting her swollen face on my cheek. She was squishy and plump and so perfect.

3:45 am - I was wheeled to a recovery room while Ross went with Margot to be checked out. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz, was 21 inches long, and was perfectly healthy. I was really looking forward to the experience during a vaginal birth when I’d get to pull her up on me and cuddle her immediately. I didn’t get to do that but seeing Ross gleefully and delicately walk into the recovery room holding our tiny baby bundle was a different kind of special.

In recovery, I wasn’t allowed to drink or eat anything, but I was so so thirsty. Parched! I begged to suckle on ice chips as I did before delivery, but instead, I was given a small damp sponge on a stick that I could gnaw on. What a treat.

We stayed in the hospital for shy of three days following her birth. We devoured the time with her and spent ages analyzing her features. I really struggled with recognizing her as my baby. I repeatedly asked Ross, “so you were with her the whole time? she didn’t get switched?” I think the sleepy surgery experience had my brain struggling to match that little person in my arms with the human that was pulled out of my body. This disconnect was really heartbreaking for me. But after hours and hours of staring at her tiny face, I saw myself and I saw Ross. To this day, she’s still a perfect 50/50 mix of both of us. Some say 100% Ross and others say 100% me, so let’s just call that 50/50.

Margot’s 0th Birthday

Recovery was a tricky experience. I got an intense allergic reaction to the mesh underwear so I had the absolute worst itchy rash for several weeks and had to go on medication while simultaneously lathering up in hydrocortisone and calamine lotion every couple of hours. The difficult rash recovery made the c-section recovery seem easy peasy by comparison. I had (and still have) a low milk supply so while learning to breastfeed, we also learned how to supplement with formula through a tiny tube (we’ve since switched to combo feeding at breast and formula from bottles). Plus, the hormones and the adjustment to parenthood was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Those first few weeks were emotionally exhausting and I’ll never forget the overwhelming feeling of love and fear. One minute I’d be crying because I was so elated to have her, and the next minute sobbing thinking about how one day she’ll experience the cruel world.

I realize this post may feel like a downer of disappointment and complaints about recovery. But, that’s the truth of my story. The emotions of labor and recovery came as such a shock to me, so I want to be honest about what we went through. I can adore and love my baby while still feeling like her journey here wasn’t something I look back on entirely fondly. I’m also aware that we’re beyond lucky to have a healthy baby and a safe birth. I can feel both so so grateful and feel like I missed out on an experience that I dreamed of. My heart aches for other people’s births that had truly heartbreaking outcomes.

Margot at month 0, month 1, and month 2

But here we are! Nearly three months later and we’re so so smitten. Those overwhelming newborn days (and nights of feeding with a tiny tube) are behind us, and now we’re enjoying a sweet and smiley baby. She somehow gets cuter each day! They say you can’t spoil a newborn, and thank goodness for that because neither of us can put her down. We’re so lucky to have our little Margot and can’t wait to see who she becomes.